Communicating with a narcissist personality at work

I talk about myself A LOT. Stories about my career, life, experiences and opinions are pretty much the bulk of my blogs, social media posts, my free Creative Launch Ideas Guide (download it here) and even my memoirs… which are in development and will form the basis of my book to be published later this year (cat’s out of the bag now, guess I should get writing!). 

It’s human nature to be self-centred and selfish for survival, but social programming and etiquette luckily teach most of us (thankfully, myself included) that communication is a two-way street, and building good communication skills means nurturing a back-and-forth, ebb-and-flow, give-and-take in any conversation. In my work and my business, when running workshops, training, meetings, coaching calls for my Leading Successful Change students, I work hard to make sure everyone gets to engage, share, input, and agree in a more collaborative and consultative way.

But what happens when you come into contact with someone who seemingly hasn’t learned these basic principles of polite conversation, and maybe even has narcissistic tendencies? How do you stay confident in your communication, and still get the outcomes you need from the conversation? Especially if it’s a critical stakeholder, colleague or even your own boss!

Here are 3 steps to approach it and take back a little power and presence in those moments:

1) Identify it!

The first thing is to actually realise when you’re dealing with a narcissistic-style personality at work. Now I’m not saying the person is diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality Disorder, I’m just saying they may have tendencies that lean that way in that they might:

• Spend most of the time talking about themselves
• Rarely ask you or anyone else questions about yourself
• Whenever something is said or mentioned, they relate it back to themselves or something or someone they know
• Be opinionated and judgemental about others, may love to gossip
• Only talk about their qualities, successes or achievements - never share or disclose weaknesses, mistakes or failures
• Even override, belittle or even bully you - subtly or openly
  
  

These are just a few tells. In my Leading Successful Change program, my students learn about personality types like this in detail, and the tips and tricks for communicating with them to get them onboard, onside, engaged and involved. But noticing any of the above consistently as a pattern can help you pinpoint who you might be dealing with.

2) Enjoy it!

If you suspect a touch of narcissism, half the battle is won. You can rest assured that you’re not crazy, and it can actually give you a sense of comfort to just be like - “Cool, that’s them.”

Then - take advantage of it! I’m an extrovert and almost always in a position of influence and leadership, so it can be really nice to sometimes just take a back seat in a conversation. One of my most favourite leaders ever would spend most of our one-on-ones talking about herself, her work, her life and I actually found her super inspirational so I would just sit and soak and enjoy listening to her talk, before I had to go back and be switched on and in the lead with my projects and stakeholders. Let them speak, ask questions, enjoy the ride - you’ll learn lots about them, other people, the organisation, and life.

3) Forgive it!

Not everyone who talks incessantly about themselves is doing so intentionally or maliciously. They may not realise they do it, or missed crucial social development opportunities growing up to learn how to better connect with others. They may live alone or spend a lot of time alone, so when they come into contact with another person everything spills out. And though actual narcissists are cocky and have a high opinion of themselves and care little about others or their feelings, people in your workplace who just have narcissistic tendencies may actually have very low self-esteem and their communication style is just masking those fears. Most people aren’t actual full-blown narcissists and do actually care about others and their feelings - even if they don’t have the awareness or tools to express it.

And that’s why it’s so important to build your own internal compass of confidence - because the truth is no one can make you feel inferior, unheard or unappreciated unless you let them. Your self-worth doesn’t come from out there or from the ebb-and-flow of a conversation - it comes from within and that well of intrinsic value that you know you have and bring to this world. When communication comes from that place, you can be talked over, blamed, shamed, bullied and more and it will just go over your head or you’ll have the courage to seek help if need be. They are them. You are you. And you’ll start to attract more people who respect and appreciate you that you can have deep connected back-and-forth conversations with.

When leading transformation and change, you’ll usually have to communicate with confidence with lots of people and can have big impact way beyond a single stakeholder. Grab my free "Creative Launch Ideas Guide” with 53 tried-and-tested ways to bring your launch to life for all personality types. 

CLICK HERE to download my free Creative Launch Ideas Guide

Lata xx